Soul Searching
by MummyC
Summary: A tag for the end of "Cover Story" McGee is suffering big guilt issues and blames himself. I really dont know what I am doing just having fun and I will try and update quickly Honest guv!...go easy on me but it will be lovely to see what everyone thinks x
1. Chapter 1

Why did he feel this way?

The murderer had been taken away, Abby was safe _Thank God!_ but he felt like crap.

Tony, all things said actually used some sensitivity and self control and kept the worst of his little digs and bad jokes to himself.

Ziva , well she was just Ziva and didn't hold him responsible for anything and had cleared her desk ready for the next case, even Gibbs had moved on like it was all over and stated that it wasn't McGees fault.

So why did he feel like HE was responsible for the deaths of three people and the very near death of Abby... _Oh my god I nearly got Abby killed_.

Mcgee slumped over his desk, his despair and frustration etched in lines on his face. Everyone had gone home even Ducky who had taken Palmer home in his car. Now McGee, who had mumbled excuses about reports to complete and would go home later, was the only one left.

Tim put his face into his palms and massaged his temples.. He was getting a headache and was feeling more than a little nauseous. He took a sip of what was left of a coffee _Yuk.. cold _Tim grimaced and threw the empty cup into the bin in disgust. He looked at his monitor and almost threw up, on the screen was the photographic images of the three people who had been killed by Landon all under the illusion that he was protecting special agent Mcgregor, Tims fictional hero from his book. Mcgee couldnt take his eyes from the pictures each face was someone he had seen and knew _He just got married . _The bodies grey and lifeless, eyes open and staring and each one mutilated without so much of a fore thought for human life.._Oh god oh god that could have been Abby what have I done!.._Tim groaned then almost in one action grabbed the nearest bin and threw up, his stomach churned and he heaved again, beads of sweat forming on his brow clustering over his eyes.

Finally he finished and shuddered, he avoided looking at his monitor where the dead were screaming silently to him, he managed to shut his computer down avoiding their lifeless eyes and the screen went blank. McGee drew in a deep breath and shuddered again pushing himself up from the chair then had to steady himself putting both of his palms on the desktop as the world seemed to shift on its axis. His breathing became shallow and quick, Tims vision blurred making him sway again closing his eyes. _Breath McGee Breath!_ He managed to gain control again calming himself and slowing his breathing _Stupid, stupid, stupid! Get a grip._ McGee berated himself silently.

All paperwork completed and away he collected his belongings and moved towards the elevator his feet feeling like lead weights his mind still flashing pictures from the case, every now and then he had to steady himself as the room took a sudden lurch.

McGee called the elevator and waited resting against the wall it seemed like an eternity to arrive but finally here he stepped inside and let the doors slide shut behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry folks still getting used to adding new chapters on so those of you kind enough to add me to your story alert got a message with New chapter added Duh! Silly me didn't read the instructions properly my apologies hopefully this time I have correctly followed them. Hope you enjoy x

**CHAPTER 2**

How he got home he didn't know, he must have driven back almost on automatic pilot.

Thankful that there weren't too many traffic lights and stop signs on the way home McGee tiredly put the key into the lock and walked into his apartment.

Gear and keys got thrown to the side as he slowly walked over to his writing desk briefly toying with the idea of something to eat his, stomach turned thinking about it changing his mind his eyes moved to his typewriter.

He had, had so much passion, inspiration and sheer pleasure whilst using it now it was just a symbol of his guilt the accuser standing before the accused...evidence as far as McGee was concerned.

In the top of it was an uncompleted part of McGee's next chapter, with horror he remembered what he had been writing just last night.

As if being moved by some unknown force McGee shakily reached for the paper and pulled it from the old machine which clicked over and over like the sound of the zipper on the body bags.

He read the top line...

_Lab analyst Amy Sutton slowly crept across the floor trying not to make a sound the killer was in her home and there was no way to call for help..._

His hand unconsciously gripped the paper tighter screwing it up, nails digging into his palms breathing getting quicker and shallower..._I did this, it was my fault...my fault...my... m...f..lt _everything went black Tim 's knees buckled under him and he collapsed straight down CRACK! Hitting his head on the corner of the desk..he knew no more.


	3. Chapter 3

Firstly sorry, sorry, sorry I know it was a really short chapter but I just worked out how to add a chapter Whoo hoooo! and I didn't want to risk losing too much if I made a clutzy mistake (I do those a lot). I also really like ending in a bit of a cliff hanger I promise to make this one longer guys. Right shall we see how poor old McGee is doing….

**CHAPTER 3**

It was dark outside. Street lights lit the way along the roads and side-walks but it was quiet, just the occasional car driving by on its way to a late shift or maybe trying to get the baby to sleep.

There was a groan at first, followed by another then... movement.

A hand dragged over the flooring reaching up towards a pale face. He was lying on the floor face down head to one side, _C.…. Wh..wh.. H…h happened?._

He pushed himself up slowly to sit resting his back against the desk his head tipped back he still had his eyes closed, something wasn't right!. His head hurt and he felt sick_.. Dizzy, __Woah…stop the world I want to get off! _He gripped the desk so tight his knuckles turned white, reaching up to his right temple lightly touching the skin _wet..wet? uh..blood! How... when. _His confusion being fed by the pain and nausea somehow he managed to get up resting on the top of the desk he let his eyes look around the darkened room that was eerily coloured by the lights outside _Don't know what happened! where am I? Feel sick...n..n need air. _Still fully clothed from the night before he warily made his way to the door, he had to get out something wasn't right. Stumbling through the doorway he made his way out on to the street swaying a little more than he should do, _no one here ..I..what time is it. _Moving towards the side walk he noticed the sky had the purple glow of dawn, traffic had started to get a little busier and a kid was out delivering the morning paper cycling in his direction.

Their eyes met momentarily the kid looked a little shocked at the man's appearance and slammed his breaks on

"N no Its...its OK I wont hurt you I just want to ask you...nnnnnn" the man seemed to slide sideways the last thing he heard was the kid screaming and what sounded like brakes but was it? A cars brakes?... 

_Dreams, dreams.. someone hurt, fffeeel responsible... why? People.. Friends? .. blame me I don't remember...**PAIN**_

_**GASP.. cant breath..**sir can you hear me**..cant breath someone help me..**sir? Its OK you're safe_

_Open your eyes _he found that he could open his eyes at last and boy was that light bright. He realised that the person talking to him was a nurse. She had cropped brown hair with a clip in it beautiful soft brown skin and a smile that could dazzle stars. He blinked still confused.

"Hello sleepy" the nurse had a gentle pleasant voice that made him feel a little safer her hands cool against his brow.

"Do you know where you are sir?" her eyes were kind and she looked at him inquiringly. "Er.." his voice was scratchy and muffled and he realized he had an oxygen mask on. "Ho..hospital?" "Great sir. Now do you remember what happened?

"Passed out" he replied his memory was sketchy "Do you remember anything else sir?" the nurse seemed to want more information but he really couldn't add anything else. He looked up at the nurse, confused "Its OK sir things can be a bit disorienting for a while, you have concussion from a previous head injury to your head but also as you passed out you fell towards the road. A car clipped your right side as you fell, you have quite the collection of bruises to your right leg, your knee was twisted, your wrist was broken hence the cast and you had a couple of broken ribs. " She paused

" I rather think you were quite lucky all things considered as the driver wasn't going that fast, she was so worried about you, well her and a boy. It was the boy who called the ambulance they both stayed with you until it came." She moved around the bed, it was a lot for him to take in, he was stiff and very sore and he was starting to feel more than a little tired still something wasn't quite right. The nurse checked his IV and proceeded to complete her obs writing things down on her clipboard. She looked up at him smiled and put the clipboard down freeing her hands so she could hold his. "Just one more thing sir" she spoke softly and gave his hand a little squeeze " When they picked you up you had no id on you, can you tell me your name, is there someone we can call for you?"

His eyes wide in panic "I...I...I don't know!"

Poor McGee not having much luck :-( bit longer as promised hope it reads as good as I found it fun! to write. Reviews are great if you have time, whatever your choice just have fun please come again :-)


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry its been so long folks my own life took over for a bit (As they do!) I hope you all enjoyed the last chapter. I feel like I have lost my mojo a little so please bare with me. Thanks for all of your views and reviews they spur me to move on xxx**

As the case had been closed on a Saturday no one had returned to the office the next day.

Gibbs had told them all to "Rest up, 'cos you never know how long next one may take!"

That was before they had all gone home on Saturday evening, and of course nobody ever DIDN'T do what Gibbs told them!.

However Gibbs HAD gone in, something wasn't right and it was bugging him.

He flipped through the last three case files on his desk a paper cup of hot coffee in his hand he had the first on on his lap and his feet were perched on the desk. _Nope this was an easy case, nothing left on that one either _he thought as he threw two files onto his desk picking up the last one.

He opened the cover taking a drink from his coffee and stopped pondering over the information open in front of him. His blue eyes scanned over the pages and reports all of the team had contributed, they all corroborated each other perfectly (Like he wouldn't expect anything less from his team anyway!). He closed the file sighed and took another sip of his coffee _Empty, need another where's McGee?_ Forgetting for a moment it was Sunday and everyone was taking a break for the day.

_Oh Sunday...mmm_ his famous gut feeling doing its usual somersault almost screaming there was still something wrong.

The file opened again and his fingers on his left hand drifted over the countless reports then his eyes just flicked over McGee's name.

Gibb's left hand came up to his mouth curling his finger over his lip, he pushed himself a little further back in the chair bringing his gaze to rest on McGee's desk. His eyebrows furrowed making him frown, he sat up then pushed himself to his feet making his way towards McGee's desk why?he wasn't sure just yet so he was letting his gut instinct guide him.

The desk was void of paper of any kind, everything filed neatly away as usual _nothing different there _he sat down on the swivel chair very gently moving left and right as if the movement somehow was helping him think.

Gibbs sat forward drumming his fingers on the veneered surface of the desk

_computer is off. Ok.. so what AM I looking for? _In his frustration Gibbs slapped his hand on the desk knocking a perfectly lined up pen on to the floor.

He reached down supporting himself with his right hand on the table, he went to pick up the pen glancing the waste paper basket on the way back up.

He stopped.

Putting the pen on the desk Gibbs returned to the basket and pulled out a screwed up report card where he saw the words **MY FAULT** written in McGee's handwriting on the bottom.

_No answer_

The ringing tone just repeated itself over and over, Gibbs let it keep going then McGee's answering machine automatically cut in asking for a pin number. _That can mean two things either McGee forgot to set his machine..not very likely or he can't get to the phone for whatever reason._

The second Gibbs thought was most likely the case but was he just in the tub or was he in real trouble? The only way to find out was to go and see him.

He moved in one complete action grabbing keys and heading for the elevator barely taking time to grab his coat he really wanted to hurry being urged on by some unseen force, Something wasn't right!

**Well there you have it everyone, keep reading hope you've not fallen asleep yet. Will try and get the next one up and running asap. See you in the next chapter xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**OK OK I know there was a slight continuation error in the last chapter I promise to do better next time. Note to self must keep reading through older chapters whilst I write. (How on earth do all these writers keep up with themselves!) Phew.. here goes...oh and by the way I don't know the medical stuff very well so will muddle through best I can sorry.. xx**

They had given him the name John as he really didn't like being called sir, it made him uncomfortable .. There was also something odd about that thought, oh well it would come to him eventually ...maybe!.

He had been up out of bed,doctors wanting to get him mobile as soon as they could. The IV had come out about an hour ago and he was able to slowly walk around the corridor with the aid of a nurse and a crutch under his arm. His knee was really swollen and it hurt to bend it. It was a difficult task as it was also hurting to breath because of his ribs and the cast on his right arm. John had to sit down he was getting a bit light headed and his knee really ached, the nurse assisted him back to his room. Earlier on in the day they had taken him for an MRI to find out what was causing the memory loss, John had got embarrassed muttering something about putting a zipper into the back of hospital gowns.

He was still awaiting the results as his doctor had been called away on an emergency.

Sheer joy and relief came over him as he neared his room he was ready to drop where he stood he was so tired.

"Its OK John we are nearly there you have done really well" his nurse had eventually told him her name was Garret and he was grateful for her company. She was a parent of two beautiful boys, had even shown him pictures (After he had asked) and her husband was in the Navy posted overseas.

It seemed so familiar he wasn't sure what it was and it was really starting to try his patience plus he was getting another one of his headaches.

He sat down on his bed relaxing his head back into the cool pillows, his arm moved up over his face covering his eyes which were squinting in the bright light.

"Shall I just close these curtains a little the light seems to be upsetting you a bit. Is that OK?"

He didn't want to answer his head hurt and he felt sick, he gave her the thumbs up in answer to her question instead as movement of any kind was definitely not the thing to do.

He quietly heard the sound of soft shoes coming in the direction of his room "John. The Doctor is here to see you are you feeling up to it?"

"S sure" he thought if he kept it to one word at a time he would be OK. He moved his arm down a little instead using his hand to shield his eyes.

"John. My name is Dr Silver" the doctor addressed him whilst sitting on the edge of his bed "The reason why you are experiencing problems is that when you hit your head it caused a small amount of swelling in your brain"

John opened his eyes a bit wider with alarm then regretted it as it antagonised his headache his heart leapt into his throat _What is he saying?._

Noticing his patients alarm Dr Silver gently placed his hand on his leg and patted. Keeping his voice low and calm he carried on " There is no cause for alarm John at the moment we just need to keep an eye on you for a bit. Usually these things reduce as the injury gets better we just have to sit it out and wait I am afraid"

"If it dddoesnt get bbetter?" he stuttered "Well lets just cross that bridge when we come to it shall we" Dr Silver said with a pleasant smile. "Now for the time being are you in pain?" he got off the bed and looked at the chart

"H H Headache"..."Knee sore" He was really struggling now as fatigue was dragging him down.

"Aah well the knee is going to take some mending I am afraid and the headaches are par for the course when it comes to head injuries but I can see you've had no medication for a while now so I can write another script for you, that should make it all a bit easier on you and then you can get some rest OK?" he scribbled onto the chart and briefly spoke to the nurse who quickly went away

"I shall leave you in the capable hands of nurse Garret, get some rest now goodnight John"

He was already asleep...

**I hope it didn't put anyone off me calling McGee John I just thought it would bring you all into the story a bit more I am sure things will get better soon (Well soon ish!) **

**Keep R and R ing (God how lazy am I doing just the first letters)**

**Think I might go and have a bath now oh dear its almost midnight oh well another day with no friends hey ho! next chapter here we come. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Whoo hoo getting close to 10 reviews well I am quite pleased with myself and so very grateful for all of the reviews (Thanks guys you know who you are :-) ) and for all of my visitors too.**

**Hope you enjoy the next instalment but before you read a massive apology to all who have waited a long time things went as Sam Beckett in Quantum leap says a little "Ka Ka" in my life so this really had to take a back seat. Big apologies but the kids come first with me being dragged about at the back end!. Any Hoooo I am bouncing back hope you like how its going xxxx**

Gibbs kept trying on his hands free to call McGee each time with the same machine voice cutting in apologising for being out and please leave a message.

The journey to McGee's apartment was only forty minutes away but Gibbs was in a hurry so of course .. he was stuck behind every slow moving vehicle he could find !.

There weren't any safe opportunities to overtake and he really didn't want to spend any valuable time passing around insurance details.. he just had to wait!. He slapped the steering wheel then gripped it tightly. He hadn't called anyone else yet he wanted to be sure and he had told them all to rest, he didn't want anyone to think he was overreacting.

What seemed like a lifetime only turned out to be and extra fifteen minutes, Gibbs pulled up into the parking lot of McGee's building his heart sank, there in amongst other residents cars was McGee's.

Entrance into the building wasn't hard as someone was leaving and even held the door for him

_So much for security_!

He made his way upstairs to McGee's apartment and stopped dead outside the door..it hadn't been closed properly. He pulled out his gun and prepared himself for what might be inside.

Pushing the door open with the nose of his gun keeping it low and close, he cautiously slid inside eyes darting left and right taking in every detail of the room silently creeping using the wall as his back up protecting him.

So far so good nothing seemed to be unusually out of place just the usual spotless McGee, he moved around the apartment checking the kitchen, bedroom and bathroom not noticing anything different.. _no signs of a struggle _he let his guard down just a little as the place was devoid of people. All his years of investigating crime scenes made him observe the area almost as if he had x-ray vision _THERE!_ He focused around McGee's writing desk which was tucked away in the corner of the living area surrounded by shelves crammed full with classics, crime, science fiction, fantasy and reference books McGee was obviously a big reader as well as an author. Gibbs stared intensely at the floor near the corner of the desk, he crouched down wanting to make certain hoping it wasn't what he thought it was..._BLOOD! Dammit McGee where are you? what's happened _That was it siesta was over he was calling the team in...

**Oh its been soooo long and you have all been soo patient hope it was worth the wait. Sorry again unfortunately technology is a wonderful thing but will have the habit of letting you down. See you in the next chapter**


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